Dress Code Confidential

Yesterday a friend shared a story on FB that I feel deserves national attention.  It won't get it, but the story deserves to be told.

A 9 year-old girl was recently given an in-school suspension for violating the dress code at Brookhaven Elementary School in Brookhaven, MS.  Why?  Because, according to the school the child's clothing was too tight fitting which violates their policy.  She was covered from neck to ankle, not showing boobs or butt (neither or which she has yet) or anything in between.  They problem was with her belly.  The girl happens to be overweight.  A lot of her clothing fits tightly around her belly.  If she wore clothing that fit properly around her mid-section, it would be too long which also, incidentally, violates Brookhaven's ridiculous policy.  So unless the parents go out and have a custom wardrobe made-to-measure for their child, the little girl will be in constant violation of a one-size-fits-all dress code.

All I can say is, you have got to be freaking kidding me.  Trust me, this child already gets enough hate out of her classmates.  The grown-ups in her life are supposed to be more mature and able to provide a safe place where children can thrive.  Instead they've misapplied a policy as a way of fat shaming a little girl.  She is just a child.  Do you really want to create an environment where a child feels attacked every day, not by children, but by administrators who should know better?  Go ahead.  That kid will end up dropping out and/or contemplating suicide before she even gets to puberty.

Think I'm being dramatic?  You obviously have never lived life in the fat lane.  Kids in the plus sized community are bombarded daily with images and advertising telling them what they should look like.  Their families, teachers, and other adults in their lives constantly drill into the heads that they don't meet society's arbitrary standard of beauty.  They feel ugly.  They try to spend time inside afraid of a critical, and sometimes downright cruel, public which leads them to an even more sedentary life, which invites even MORE criticism, and so on.  They develop depression and eating disorders.  Some resort to self harm.

I feel like we've made progress in recognizing and addressing discrimination towards minorities and those of different religions, sexual orientation, and gender identity.  No, things aren't Utopian, but we're slowly moving in the right direction.  Still, I don't feel like we've grown when it comes to recognizing different appearances.  'Fat' is not a protected class.  I don't think it should be a protected class, but I also don't think people should be bullied or demeaned simply because they fall into that demographic.

At the heart of this issue is a 9 year-old girl who will never look at herself the same way.  She was shamed and criticized by the people meant to protect her.  I'm sure she doesn't fully understand the situation and wonders what she did wrong.  On one hand I hope her parents sue the school district for what little amount it's worth.  But on the other hand I worry about what a discrimination suit would do to her fragile psyche.  We spend so much time telling our children about accepting others for their differences and not bullying.  Maybe the teachers are the ones that need schooled.  If you are so emotionally stunted that you are unable to show compassion to a child, then you have no place in a school.  Go elsewhere.  I'm sure the KKK and Aryan Nation are looking for recruits.  And they appreciate hate-mongering in their organizations.  God speed.

The Phoenix

This will, in all likelihood, be the hardest, scariest, most painful truth that I've ever put online.  I really hope those of you reading these words will share them with the world.  These are real statements from real people that have had real impact.

WHAT WE SEE/HEAR ONLINE

 “I can't even find a normal human-shaped person to date around here. Everyone is fat, especially females. I've tried dating them but their naked bodies are SICKENING. They don't even look like humans.” – Anonymous

“The Crusade against Fat People has written time and time again on the problems that fatties cause in our society, and why they are sub-par humans for it. “– Anonymous

“To the overweight people, no, I am not going to accept you for who you are with that bullshit excuse 'you should love me because I am beautiful'. Your personality may be beautiful but your body is not. It's not OK to be overweight.”-- John Burk

“Excess Body Fat Is Repulsive”—John Barban

“Tell me how fat chicks aren’t among the worst human beings on the planet.”—Edward Thatch

“They're grotesque. Those rolls of fat hanging off their bodies are not attractive. They're disgusting. Fat people are more of a parody of humans than actual human beings.”—Anonymous

HOW IT MAKES US FEEL

“No matter where I go I am ashamed of who I am. I don’t like to eat in front of people, even if it’s healthy, because I feel like people give me dirty looks. Like I’m not allowed to be hungry because I’m fat. And I’m scared to walk the neighborhood for exercise because I’m worried about getting dirty looks or mean comments. Same at the gym. I’ve been getting them my whole life.”—Destinee

“One day while on my daily walk, someone screamed out of their car “you’re still fat”. I was so discouraged, it’s like I was trying and still some random stranger had to put me down. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. It’s very hurtful when people think it’s their right to tell you you’re fat or not trying hard enough.”—Dawn

“I do hate myself. I’ve starved myself, but only gained weight, dieted, and done just about anything to lose this weight; to no avail. I’m 20 now and I have absolutely no motivation to try anymore. My body is beyond repair and so is my self-esteem. I am afraid to go outside, because of the ridicule I face, so often I just hole up in my room.”—Amelia

“You can’t possibly suggest that it doesn’t hurt, and you should think twice about saying that we deserve it to hurt.”—Jay

There’s one more I need to add.  I’ve separated it because it has meaning to me:

“Can you kill yourself already?  This school will be a much nicer place without you.”

I separated it because it’s my story.  It was said to me.  I was 16.  I wish I could say I didn’t consider her suggestion.  I wish no one EVER considered that type of suggestion, but they do.  Some do more than consider it.  I guess I’m one of the lucky ones.

It feels strange to call myself one of the “lucky” ones.  I was tormented every day at school. Then I would go home and hope I didn’t get beaten up by my dad. I took to cutting the inside of my arm and then my thighs with really sharp scissors.  I wasn't trying to kill myself.  Physical pain is just much easier to handle than emotional pain. 

I barely had any friends.  I joined various clubs and activities to try to make more friends, but no one wanted to be associated with the fat kid and I was quickly edged out of the groups.  I was a smart kid, so I started doing homework for the B-List’ers hoping to eek my way off the D-list by association.  That didn’t work either.  I was even ostracized at church because all the kids in the youth group came from families with more money than mine.

To be honest, I’m not sure how I survived high school or the decades that followed.  You see, bullying doesn’t go away after graduation; it just relocates.  It follows you from job to job, city to city.  It creates a monologue in your head telling you that you have no worth.  It whispers in your ear that you are too ugly to be around the "normals".  The voice is so powerful that you begin to believe that the world would be so much better without people like you in it.  You lose hope.

It has taken me almost 30 years, from ages 9 through 36, to start to appreciate myself.  Now I know how amazing I am.  I am smart.  I am funny.  I am generous.  I am loyal.  I am strong.  I do not fear hell because I have already been there and survived.  I am a phoenix.   

There's a plaque in my doctor's office that says, "You never know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have."  I wish I could give that plaque to every fat girl out there who is struggling.  I wish I could whisper in their ears and remind them that we must fall before we rise.  I want them to know that only through great adversity do we gain great strength.  Then I want to be there to see them discover that strength and see what they do with it.  I can't wait to see how they will change the world.