Everyday Hero

I have an app on my phone called Timehop (I'm sure most of you are familiar) that shows me what I posted to social media on the current day in previous years.  Here is what I wrote on 24 January 2016:

"CNN is running a series called "The Person Who Changed My Life" wherein various CNN anchors share stories of their life changers. Hmmm... THE person? Like the ONE most significant relationship that forever changed who I am? That's a million dollar question. There are people who have taught me how to love, people who have taught me how to laugh, and people who have taught me to think and question. There are saints and sinners. There are people who have shown me that pain and cruelty exist and people who have taught me how to overcome pain and cruelty. I don't think I could name ONE person if I tried. But to all of you who make my list, thank you. Thank you for inspiring me and teaching me to believe. Thank you for proving that yesterday does NOT have to define tomorrow. Thank you for creating the amazing person writing these words right now."

Those words are as true today as they were a year ago.  I've encountered many game changers in my life, both positive and negative, but there are certain things I've come to realize; For one, I don't think we give enough credit to our bad relationships.  I think we tend to beat ourselves up for staying in them.  It's good that those relationships are over, but those bad relationships are every bit as important to who we are now as the good ones are.  Every boyfriend I've had has put me closer to knowing what I NEED in a partner as opposed to what I want.  Every ex-friend has shown me how not to treat the people I care about.  And that's important.  I've learned never to raise a hand to another and that sharp words cut deeper than any knife.  Every slight and every blow has built me into a stronger, wiser, more compassionate person. So to all you jerks who were terrible to me, I owe you my thanks.

Another thing I've come to learn in my old age is that we didn't get to this point in our lives by stumbling around blindly.  Each of us has had thousands of hands guiding us along the way.  Some of those hands pass us on to the next never to be seen again.  They may never know the full impact that they had on our lives.  For example, I've had dozens of teachers from preschool through college but I can only remember the names of a few.  Those are the ones that helped build me.  Like Debbie Stephenson.  She was my high school choir director and my vocal coach.  She was more than just a teacher to me.  She was a friend, a parent, and a mentor.  I remember her for holding my hand after my sister was in a bad car accident.  I remember her for- quite literally- smacking me in the back of the head when I started slacking off from my studies.  She used to tell all her students, "Make mistakes, but make them LOUD."  She never let us feel ashamed for hitting a sour note, as long as we did it confidently and learned what not to do next time.   I still remember Mrs. Stephenson every time I screw up.  I remember because I know it's okay and that I can, and will, do better.  I haven't seen her in nearly 20 years, but I still want to make her proud.  She will probably never know what an integral part of my scaffolding she became.

Then there are the everyday heroes we all encounter.  One particular story from my own life comes to mind.  It was about 13 years ago.  I was in college and working full time.  I had fallen asleep after a long night of studying and  failed to hear my alarm clock.  When I finally I woke up I went into panic mode trying to get dressed and grab everything I'd need for the day, beating myself up for how late I would be getting to work.  I HATE being late.  It was raining, so traffic was terrible.  I got halfway to work when my empty gas tank light came on.  I pulled into the first service station I encountered, all the while knowing this little detour was making me even more late.  That's when I realized that my wallet was sitting on the kitchen counter at home.  I didn't have any money to get gas and I didn't have enough gas to get home so I was stranded.  I was so tired I couldn't even cry.  I scrounged up about 58 cents from underneath the seats of my car and dashed into the station to pay the clerk.  I must have been a sight.  My hair was stringy from the rain, I was wearing 2 different shoes (didn't notice that until just that moment), and I was trying to buy 58 cents worth of gas.  The clerk pulled out his wallet and put a $10 bill in his drawer.  He told me to fill my gas tank and be careful getting to work.  I was still wet.  I was still terribly late.  But that one gesture made me feel peace.  I was so wrapped up in my problems I had forgotten how much good is out there in the world.  I went back a few days later to repay him, but he refused my money.  He said he was just passing on the blessings that God had given to him.  Mind blown.  I'll never know for sure, but I have a feeling that that guy didn't go home and tell all his buddies about how he saved some poor girl.  I doubt that he boasted or bragged about his incredible generosity.  However, I DO hope that he went to bed knowing that he made the world a little bit better that day.

That stranger was a hero for me.  He is as much a piece of me as every other relationship I've ever had.  And he'll never even know it.

We've all had hundreds of game changers in our own lives, good and bad, but what I want you to take away from this is that every encounter we have gives us a chance to be a game changer for someone else.  Of course we affect our friends and our family members daily.  But it's those chance encounters that really make the difference.  How we treat others impacts how they treat everyone else down the line.  It's all about random acts of kindness.  So pay for the car behind you at the drive through.  Stop to help the stranded motorist change their tire.  Pay off a stranger's lay-away account at Christmas.  It's not about gaining praise or acclaim.  It's about going to bed that night knowing that you made the world a little bit better today.  And that makes you a hero.

The Good Things From the Bad

I woke up Saturday thinking, 'Maybe it was all a dream. Maybe there wasn't an inauguration yesterday.  Maybe there's hope left for this country.'  But no, it wasn't.  And yes, there was.  Still, regardless of those facts, there is always room left for hope.

I purposefully did not watch any news coverage yesterday.  I avoided social media and listened to CD's in my car rather than the radio.  I didn't want to hear any of the details of the catastrophe that was unfolding in our nations capitol.  But I can't avoid it forever.  So today I broke down and turned on the news.

Instead of a pretentious, overblown, tasteless, megalomaniacal dictator I saw crowds marching.  I saw pink knit pussyhats en masse.  I saw hordes gathered across the country as well as around the world marching in solidarity against tyranny.  I saw men, women, and children together waving banners declaring that 'LOVE TRUMPS HATE'.  It was a reminder to me that the good thing about bad things is how they draw communities together.  Bad things by their very nature give birth to good things.

But good things aren't instantaneous.  Tolerance arrives over time and is often spurred on by a catalyst.  In 1872 Susan B. Anthony was arrested and fined for voting in a public election.  This catapulted the women’s suffrage movement and led to the 19th amendment giving women the right to vote.  In 1954 the U.S. Supreme Court handed down a landmark decision in the case of Brown v. Board of Education eliminating “separate but equal” statutes and paving the way for the eventual fall of segregation.  In 1958 Richard and Mildred Loving, an interracial couple who were legally married in Washington D.C., were arrested in the state of Virginia for the crime of cohabitation.  Nine years later the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that the Virginia law used against the Lovings was, in fact, unconstitutional citing Brown v. Board of Education as precedent.  Now, 50 years later, Loving v. Virginia was itself used as a precedent in a new battle, this time for gay marriage.  Because of the Lovings’ fight for equal rights for all citizens, same sex couples are now free to marry.  While these individual events in no way display the entirety of the journey and struggle towards freedom, they do provide an example, and inspiration, calling all of us to think better, see better, and do better for our society.

Much like today's global protests, we consistently see examples of diverse groups of individuals working together for the betterment of the community.  Wherever a natural disaster occurs, individuals gather to help one another, neighbor to neighbor, to respond and rebuild.   During health crises, medical organizations worldwide share information and resources to heal the sick, protect the healthy, and ebb the spread of disease.  In towns across America citizens gather in common causes to take back the night, end hunger, quell gang violence, or protest injustice in their communities and governments.   It is by the sheer determination of those feeling disenfranchised that each generation creates a society more accepting and tolerant than before.

And so we march.  We raise our voices.  We still live in a country where religious places of worship are vandalized or burned, where women are paid less than men for equal work, where minorities are saddled with failing educational institutions and few career prospects.  There are still veterans who fought to defend this country only to end up homeless and forgotten.  We still battle the lack of support and treatment for those with mental illnesses.  We've been saddled with an administration that encourages discrimination and abuse.  All of these conditions exist, and may continue to exist for some time.   Bad things happen quickly.  Good things take time.  In order to progress as a nation, it's up to We The People to continue to stand together for what we believe in.  We cannot rest on complacency.  Democracy and progress only triumph when individuals are given a platform, a voice, and the opportunity to instigate change.

So there IS hope.  There is always hope.  We stand together to show our children the real meaning of solidarity.  I fear that the next four years will be among the hardest that this nation has faced.  But face it we will.  We will not back down and we will not compromise.  We will teach our children about love and acceptance. And if we try hard enough we might just create a little good out of the bad.

New Year, New You

Here we are in a New Year full of new possibilities.  Forgive me, but I’m going to buck convention here a little and tell you NOT to make New Year’s resolutions.  I say this for a very good reason.  We put way too much emphasis and importance of Jan 1^st.  Every Dec 31^st we make a vow to completely reinvent ourselves.  New Year, New You.  But the sad fact is that by February 80% of us will have abandoned those resolutions.  Once broken, we won’t even try to get back on track.  We’ll throw up our hands and resign ourselves to try again next year.  Sad, but true.  If that in some way disappoints you, here’s a truth that might help.  You were okay to begin with.  You have friends and family that love you because of (and at times in spite of) who you already are.  Becoming a completely different person betrays the idiosyncrasies that make you wonderfully unique.  I myself eat food that’s bad for me, let laundry pile up until I’m down to my last pair of socks, and dream of a world where people spontaneously break into song and dance.   It’s who I am and I own it.

Now, I’m not saying change is a terrible thing.  I’m slowly trying to change my diet and I now exercise regularly (the laundry can wait).  But the fact is that I didn’t make those changes because of an arbitrary date of the Gregorian calendar.  I did it because it was time.  I decided I don’t want to die so I took steps to avert an early demise.  I made that decision on a Tuesday.  November 3, 2015 to be exact.  See, change doesn’t have to happen on January 1^st, or the first of the month, or on a Monday.  It happens the minute you say yes to yourself.  If there is something you truly dislike about yourself, then make the decision to SLOWLY correct that behavior or aspect.  But be reasonable.  When I decided to change my diet and activity level I didn’t resolve to make it onto America’s Next Top Model.  My resolution was to avoid having a heart attack and dying.  So far, mission accomplished.

I should also note that I made the decision to change for completely self-serving reasons.  I didn’t do so to gain friends or lovers (which is good because it hasn’t worked, damn it).  I didn’t do it because someone else harped on me to change.  I did it because my mom died early as did her mother, and her mother’s mother, and so on for the past 5 generations.  I don’t want to be next.  I changed for myself.  Change that is made to appease someone else’s desire is unfulfilling and destined to fail.  Anyone who tries to force change on you obviously doesn’t love or understand you. 

We can all agree that, for the most part, 2016 was a pretty lousy year.  It’s fine to want to leave last year’s baggage behind as the clock strikes midnight.  It’s great in theory, but this year let’s try to be more realistic.  And just in case you should falter on those champagne induced pledges, remember that every day is itself a new beginning and a chance to try again.  Even on a Tuesday.  So feel free to try a different shade of lipstick, go commando once just to say you have, or, should the mood strike you, spontaneously break into song and dance.  Make it the best Tuesday ever.