Hallway Gossip

This was my best friend from 1st grade right up till about 11th grade on the night of our junior prom.  We were inseparable for over a decade.  We never made any decisions without consulting the other person first.  There wasn't anything we wouldn't do for each other.  Then she started dating guys that I didn't really approve of and things went down hill.  We tried to rekindle things after high school. We got even got an apartment together.  But then she did a series of things that betrayed me and my trust and we went separate ways.  I haven't spoken to her in 16 years

Girls see trust a lot differently than guys do.  Guys live by 'bro-code'.  It's actually rather simple.  It states that your boys must always come before any girl and that you should never take the last beer, even if you were the one that brought said beer.  That's about it.

Girls are a completely different animal.  We have our own 'girl-code' but it's slightly more complicated.  If it were put on paper, girl-code would resemble an engineering schematic or the org chart for a multi-national firm.  There's a lot of 'If-Then' situations.  Sometimes it feels like one of those 'Choose Your Own Adventure' books.  Just like the books, sometimes you reach the Crystal Palace safely, but sometimes you get eaten by a dragon.  It's just how girl code works.  Even us girls don't understand it all the time.  That's why we talk so much.  We're trying to navigate haunted forests and mine fields together.

Girls, on average, tend to trust people implicitly.  The downside is, once that trust is broken, it's typically lost forever.  I went through a situation long ago in a previous job where something bad was said about me at work and multiple "friends" came forward to tell me who the specific "friend" was that had made the offensive comment.  All of a sudden I was working on the set of Dynasty (metaphorically speaking) with a lot of bitching and back-biting going on around me.  In the end I found out the truth, but by then I had lost trust in everyone.  I didn't believe a single thing any of my coworkers said to me.  A mentor once told me to never get my hugs at work, and she was right, but you have to be able to have some basic level of trust with the people in your work environment.  Without trust there's no collaboration.  Without collaboration you become no better than Congress.

I no longer work for that company, but the ripples of the betrayal I felt then still resonate throughout my brain.  I constantly wonder what people think of me both personally and professionally.  No matter how hard I work, I fear performance appraisals.  I feel like people misunderstand me and judge me harshly because of it.  And don't even get me started about the words "we need to talk."

I guess the moral here is simply to say what you mean and mean what you say.  Be direct.  If you have an issue with someone, don't talk about it with anyone else until you talk to that person first.  And for God's sake, if someone says something bad about another person to you, keep your ass out of it.  You aren't in high school anymore, so don't act like you are.  Encourage them to talk to the person directly.  Be Switzerland.  If you don't, whether you intend it or not, you become part of the problem and your friend or colleague will never be your friend or colleague ever again.  They will lose any trust or respect that they once had for you.  You could unwittingly damage the psyche of a person you actually care about.  It's not worth it.  Respect your self, and your friends, enough to be worthy of trust.  Do that, and life will become much less of a mine field.

I guess you'll do

This is me and a guy I dated back in college.  We look pretty happy.  Actually, we were pretty happy most of the time.  There were even moments when I thought I might marry him someday.  Things didn't work out, though.  To be honest, I'm happy they didn't.  Don't get me wrong, I loved him. I was 100% all-in, head-over-heels in love with him, but we weren't meant to be together.

He wasn't a bad guy.  He treated me all right. He was, for the most part, respectful, and never ever thought about raising a hand to me.  But we weren't meant to be a couple.  For over a year I put up with his drinking and recreational drug use.  I tolerated coming in second to World of Warcraft.  I defended him over and over again to my friends and family.  We had very different values and aspirations, but I convinced myself that my love was greater than all our differences and that, eventually, he'd change.  Those are the types of things you convince yourself of when you're as young as I was.

Looking back, I think there was a part of me that just didn't want to be alone.  I didn't think very highly of myself which led me to assume that the rest of the world didn't think highly of me either. There I was with a cute guy already committed and willing to attach himself to me and I was too scared to go off in search of something better. I think a lot of fat girls know what I'm talking about. We're so desperate for affection that we say yes to the first person that asks.  I've been doing it most of my life.  I've dated drunks.  I've dated guys that belittled and humiliated me.  I've even dated guys that beat me senseless.  All in the name of not being branded "single".

Here's what I've learned from all that: You will not find a real, worthwhile relationship until you value yourself.  I say 'value' not love because I don't think any woman ever truly loves herself all of the time.  It's important to remember that even when you are unhappy with certain physical or emotional characteristics, you can still value yourself.  Until you recognize your true inner value, you will stay in adequate relationships.  Nothing great ever comes out of deciding "he'll do."  Go watch The Notebook.  Do you think that story would have been as powerful if Noah and Allie had each thought the other was just swell?  Consider Romeo & Juliet or Pyramus & Thisbe.  Both couples would rather die than live in a world without their other half.  Even in the real world, King Edward VIII of England abdicated his throne, a first for the monarchy, in order to wed an American divorcee. His love for her was greater and more valuable to him than the crown.

Bottom line, don't sell yourself short.  You have so many amazing gifts and talents.  You deserve better than someone who is no more than a place filler.  You deserve better than just to be someone else's place filler.  You deserve the longing glances, the butterflies in your stomach, the passion and desire.  You deserve doing stupid things out of love.

I'll be the first to admit that it takes a lot longer waiting for someone special when there are so many possibilities for 'ordinary' out there. But I've gone down the road more traveled and just gotten worn out. Even the break-ups end up being ordinary.  This time I'm waiting for extraordinary.

I'm not saying don't take chances.  When I met the boy in the picture above, romance was the last thing on my mind. But I took a chance and ended up falling in love.  I remember coming home one day and finding a notebook on his desk with the words "This won't work" scribbled over and over again covering the page.  It broke my heart.  So I put a post-it note on top that said "Yes it will.  I believe in you."  In that moment I wanted him to know I believed in him no matter what.  He wasn't just a place filler. Turns out he was just testing out all his pens to see which ones still worked.  In the end I was just a place filler for him.  That's why things didn't work out.  We definitely weren't right for each other, but I got to be in love, if only for a little while, and I walked away knowing a heck of a lot more about who I am and what I need out of a partner.

What I hope you'll take away from all of this is that you are worth the wait.  You are worth flowers and love notes and missing each other when you're apart.  You are worth 'till death do us part'.  It sounds a lot better than 'till something better comes along' and it feels a lot better than 'I guess you'll do'.  So take a deep breath and prepare for the journey.  In the end, it's well worth the wait.