My Father's Keeper

I am the world champion at being overwhelmed.  If being overwhelmed were an Olympic sport, I would win the gold, the silver, AND the bronze.

Being a grown up is hard.  For all of us.  Having to run errands, work a 9-5 job that you don't necessarily like, go to the bank, buy groceries, hit the gym, do laundry, pay the bills; It all adds up to stress and exhaustion.  But when you add another party to the mix...well...that's a whole new circle of hell.

Being a caregiver for another person elevates anxiety to immeasurable levels, especially when that other person is chronologically, though not mentally, a grown up themself.  Suddenly, on top of your regular grown-up responsibilities, you find yourself having to argue and negotiate with health insurance companies, you have to take time off work to transport your loved one to doctors' appointments and make sure to schedule all required follow up appointments (that never seem to work with your schedule), you pick up medications, you pay their bills-  that's the most fun part of being a caregiver - paying the bills.  You are forced to budget what money they have and, make no mistake, the bills ALWAYS extend beyond the income available.  You have to become a mathematical magician to try to determine what you can afford and what you can't.  Is your loved one going to live another 2 years?  5?  10?  You want them around and happy as long as possible, but, let's face it, the money WILL run out at some point.  It's up to you, and you alone, to determine what luxuries and treats you can afford now without bankrupting your loved one down the line.

Sometimes being a caregiver becomes so big that you don't believe there is anything bigger out there in the world.  It leads to isolation.  Sure, people can show sympathy, some may have empathy, but no one truly understands your specific struggle.  No one can relate.  No one else spends every minute of every day torn between wanting as much time as possible with a loved one while simultaneously wishing they would die just so you can be free.  And you get tired of  complaining about the same things over and over to your friends.  That is, when you can get a hold of any of your friends.  They're all moms and dads and have families of their own to manage.  You get tired of hearing yourself speak.  So you stop trying.  You stop reaching out.  You stop being a burden to others and you stop looking for joy.  You're convinced that the minute you step out for some joy, you'll drop a very important ball and the whole thing will fall apart.  And it will be All. Your. Fault.

I know...Trust me, I know.

My older sister is much better at these types of things than I am.  I'm big picture while she's one-day-at-a-time.  I'm the forest, she's the tree.  Since I'm dad's primary care giver I tend to lose my shit once a week or so.  Then it's Heather's job to talk me down off my limb.  Sometimes she's successful.  She gives very good advice from time-to-time.  Other times I'm so wrapped up in my own stress and anxiety I can't hear her.  I can't hear words of reason because anxiety has enveloped me.

Now, I'm no expert (obviously) on keeping your sanity together while caring for another.  But I can offer my one piece of wisdom that I hope will leave you with a glimmer of hope.  The most important thing you can do for yourself is decide when enough is enough.  You'll know you've hit that point when you start thinking of faking your own death and running away.  That's the point when you say no.  You say no to everything and everyone.  You keep saying no until you've built a space for your self to breathe.  Women in particular have trouble with this.  We're conditioned from a young age to be agreeable and conciliatory.  But remember, saying no to someone else is just a means for you to say yes to yourself.  Each time you say yes to yourself you create a little more desperately needed breathing room.

So keep saying no to others and yes to yourself.  Say it until you can start to see the light shining through the forest.  Take deep breaths.  Assign yourself one singular task to complete today.  I know how long your To-Do list is, I have one myself.  But commit yourself to one thing and one thing alone.  Once you accomplish that one thing, treat yourself like a hero and breathe.  Because you've earned it.