Silent Scars

I have a handicapped placard in my car.  I get dirty looks every time I park in a handicapped spot.  Everyone assumes that a healthy 30-something woman is scamming a spot that belongs to people who are REALLY handicapped.  I've started carrying a copy of my most recent MRI on my phone so that the next time someone has the gall to call me out on it (and yes, it does happen) I can politely show them my MRI.  Then they can see for themselves the lack of cartilage separating my vertebrae and how it's causing my vertebrae to develop cracks.  Then they can SEE my disability.

I don't carry the scans showing the stress fractures in my lower legs.  I don't carry visual proof of the advanced arthritis in both my knees.  And that limp you see when I walk?  I'm not trying to be gangsta.  I broke my foot almost 6 years ago but didn't go to a doctor because I was busy caring for my mother and holding her hand while she died.  By the time she passed 3 months later the bones and tendons had already healed improperly making it permanently painful to put pressure on that foot.

These are invisible scars that I carry with me every day of my life, but they aren't the only ones.  I also suffer from a neurological disorder that causes chronic migraines.  If you've never had a real (and don't come to me with a headache and say it's a migraine. It only makes me want to punch you) migraine, you have no idea.  Here's how I KNOW that you don't have a migraine.

1. You've never thrown up on  yourself because you were unable to see and/or too dizzy to make it to the bathroom.
2. You've never had to walk out of a movie theater because, with the house lights blacked out, the screen feels like a flashlight burning your retinas.
3. You've never had to take unpaid leave from work because the micro-flashing of the computer screen that most people don't even notice is making you want to kill yourself.
4. You've never had anyone accuse you of being moody or bitchy because they can't see you're actually just fighting pain that they could never imagine.
5. You've never cancelled plans (repeatedly) with friends at the last minute.
6. You've never been denied a job or promotion because, no matter how talented or qualified you are, the hiring manager doesn't want an employee that calls in sick all the time.
7. You don't avoid certain women who decide to bathe in perfume each morning. Oh yeah, and you aren't able to smell EVERYTHING around you.
8.  You've never worn sunglasses INSIDE because the office lights are too much.
9. The sun is not your enemy.
10. You eat all you want at potlucks because you don't worry that someone might have brought something with an ingredient that could trigger a migraine and ruin your life for hours, days, or weeks.

I could go on, but I think I've made my point.  Migraine is yet another silent scar that I carry every day of my life.  Whenever you see a doctor they always ask how you feel on a scale of 1-10.  On my best, most excellent, most fabulous days I'm still at a 2.  Yes, I am in pain every minute of every day of my life and have been for the past 27 years.  I get told regularly that I should see a doctor.  Seriously.  People ACTUALLY say that to be helpful.  What they don't know is that I've seen 22 different doctors and tried 47 different medications and counting.  I could tell them, but pain is just exhausting and I've given up on trying to "fix" anyone.

So I've shown you two types of silent scars.  But there's another that is more destructive, more malicious, more ugly than those.  A pain born silently by millions.  It's called mental illness.   I've personally suffered from depression and anxiety most of my life but it didn't become truly serious until 2001.  That's when I started taking medication.  I didn't start seeing a therapist until after my mom died in 2011.  Best decision I ever made.  The problem with mental illness is that there are millions of Americans that don't believe it exists.  They believe eating healthy, drinking water, and exercising will cure mental illness.  Now, I'm not bashing a healthy lifestyle. I agree on the importance of trying to live a healthier life.  I've changed my diet, given up sugary drinks in favor of water, and work out with a trainer 2-3 times a week.  But guess what?  I still have anxiety and depression.

Society has placed such a stigma on mental illness that many of its victims are too afraid to seek help.  Some are too afraid to admit that there IS a problem.  Suicide is one of the leading killers in this country because we aren't doing enough to provide resources to combat it.  This is especially true for the homeless or low income individuals.  Thousands of individuals are languishing in the prison system because our "Tough on Crime" legislators don't grasp that these people need doctors and medication, not bars and cells.  They only thing confinement does for those battling mental illness is place more stigma on them and make them even more mentally unstable.

We've decided to place all disorders of the brain under this umbrella of mental illness.  Everything from depression to schizophrenia, to dementia. But they are all so very different and require completely different resources.  Especially dementia.  Dementia itself has dozens of different variations.  Most people are fairly aware of Alzheimer's disease.  And we are now becoming more aware of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE) as more and more professional athletes are being diagnosed with it.  One you may not have heard of, though, is Lewy Body Dementia.  This is the disorder that caused Robin Williams to end his life in 2014.  There are dozens more forms of dementia, but no one has heard of them because no one is discussing them.  No one wants to have that conversation.

Silent scars come in a million different ways from a million different illnesses/injuries.  Just because someone looks fine does not by any stretch mean that they aren't fighting a war inside their body.  Most of us have adapted to powering through.  We don't show our scars.  We certainly don't discuss them with strangers.  Actually we don't even discuss them with those closest to us until they present a limitation or otherwise become an issue.  I know I don't.  Until now.

I'm sharing this with all you strangers because I need you to stop looking at others and judging them without knowing what wars they are fighting inside.  Maybe they fell off a roof years ago creating a permanent disability.  Maybe they were sent to war only to return with PTSD.  Maybe they were raped and now feel terror when out in public.  The point is, you don't know.  So stop making judgements.  They make those of us trying to get by one day at a time feel lonely and isolated.  I'm going to leave you with a quote from Robin Williams.  He is as inspiring in death as he was in life.

The Trump Delusion

Okay kids, now that you've read the last post (and I'm sure you all did) and we're all up to speed with how we got to this concept of an Electoral College that ignores the will of the people, now we can get into how they're making a big f***ing mistake.  Let's take a look at the candidate the Electoral College has vowed to stand behind (even though there's no law saying that they have to.) and some of the things he has had to say.

"Crooked Hillary is not qualified!” Tweeted 13 July 2016

Really?  Hillary isn't qualified to hold a political office?  She's been an attorney, a Senator, she was even Secretary of State of Christ's sake.  What exactly makes you qualified to work in political office, Mr. Trump?  You do understand that the Presidency is all about serving the people and not yourself, right?

"You know, it really doesn’t matter what they write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass. But she’s got to be young and beautiful." Esquire Magazine May 1991

First, women aren’t possessions.  You don’t own them.  Second, I may not be old, my youth is certainly behind me.  I may not be conventionally beautiful, at least not by his standards, but I am an exceptionally beautiful woman.  I have more knowledge and more expertise than the average bimbo that he would hire.  You hire based on talent, sir.  Not on who looks best sucking your dick.

"You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever." Commenting on interviewer Megyn Kelly after a debate.

Are you so juvenile that you must chalk up any woman standing up to you as being on her ’rag’?  Grow up you petty, petty little boy.

“Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States. “ Statement released by the Trump campaign 7 Dec 2015

I’m looking into my crystal ball and all I see is Trump relocating all Muslims already living in America to internment camps just like FDR did to the Japanese.

"He's not a war hero. He was a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren't captured." July 2015 Commenting on Senator McCain’s reputation as a war hero.

Really?  You strut your patriotism like a preening peacock but fail to recognize the sacrifices thousands of veterans have made to make it possible for you to be such an ass?  How about we drop you off is Syria and see how you fair.  Would you become what you consider a war hero?  I think not.

"Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next president?!" Commenting on opponent Carly Fiorina

I don’t think I’ll ever be accused of supporting Carly and her own hate speech, but this isn’t a beauty contest. It isn’t Miss Universe.  It’s a Presidential campaign.  Looks have nothing to do with it (blatantly obvious since you won, after all).

"I dealt with Qaddafi. I rented him a piece of land. He paid me more for one night than the land was worth for two years, and then I didn't let him use the land. That's what we should be doing. I don't want to use the word 'screwed', but I screwed him. That's what we should be doing." Said during a phone interview with Fox and Friends March 2011

Yeah…That’s the PERFECT foreign policy to adopt.  That’ll really drum up allies.  Just wait till you f*** over Putin.  I bet he’ll be a little less forgiving.

 "There were people that were cheering on the other side of New Jersey, where you have large Arab populations," he told the crowd. "They were cheering as the World Trade Center came down.” Referring to Muslims cheering on 9/11

Here’s the problem with that statement.  Every news outlet across the globe was covering New York that day.  There were citizens with cell phone videos, spectators everywhere, journalists a plenty yet no one, NOT ONE SINGLE SOUL has any proof of this statement being true.  There is video footage, still frame photography, and witness statements that contradict Trump’s statement beyond a shadow of doubt.  Still, Julius Caesar stands by what he “saw”.

“I’ve said that if Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I would be dating her." Commenting on how he would feel if his daughter posed for Playboy.

Can we just stop for a second and acknowledge that Ivanka is HIS DAUGHTER.  His child!  This is the caliber of person that many of you out there elected.

"Our great African-American President hasn't exactly had a positive impact on the thugs who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore." Commenting on the Baltimore riots.

President Obama has made a few mistakes here and there, but I really don’t think we can blame him for the behavior of every one of his 300 million constituents.  How about we blame the officers that directly led to the death of Freddie Gray instead.

"I think apologizing's a great thing, but you have to be wrong. I will absolutely apologize, sometime in the hopefully distant future, if I'm ever wrong." During an interview with Jimmy Fallon Sep 2015

Wow.  Donald Trump has never been wrong.  Never.  Who knew we had Jesus walking amongst us?

"When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending the best. They're sending people that have lots of problems and they're bringing those problems. They're bringing drugs, they're bringing crime. They're rapists and some, I assume, are good people, but I speak to border guards and they're telling us what we're getting." June 2015 upon announcing his candidacy.

Enough with the immigrants!  He seriously believes that Mexicans are all criminals.  He believes it so deeply he asked a judge to step down from a lawsuit because the judge had Mexican heritage.  He wants to build a wall and actually expects to get Mexica to pay for it.  Forget cocaine.  This guy must be tripping on LSD.

 "I have a great relationship with the blacks. I've always had a great relationship with the blacks." April 2011

Can we all agree not to call them “the blacks”?  They are African Americans.  More importantly, they are people.  Start treating them that way.

"The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive." Tweeted 6 Nov 2012

95% of all scientists agree that 1. Global warming IS happening, and 2. Mankind is to blame.  But let’s not confuse the situation with facts.

"I love the poorly educated." Part of his Nevada caucus acceptance speech

I don’t think I really need to comment on that, do I?

Which brings us to the piece de resistance.  The Billy Bush tapes.

 "I don't even wait. And when you're a star, they let you do it, you can do anything ... grab them by the pussy."

Trump and his supporters have played this off as “locker room talk”.  I’ve been around a lot of ‘boys being boys’.  Yes, they like to brag about their conquests.  But they do NOT brag about sexual assault.  That’s what this was.  Plain and simple.  And if other boys DO talk like this and I just haven’t been around to hear it, then they should shut the fuck up, too.

Since the release of those tapes dozens of women have come out to share their stories of how Trump assaulted them.  Assault survivors across the country have suffered flashbacks and panic attacks about their own assaults after hearing those words.  I am one of them.

Do not tell us to “calm down”.  Do not tell us to “get over it”.  This is our reality.  We fear for our minority friends.  We fear for those of the LGBTQ society.  We fear for our national security.  We fear for our economy.  So no, we won’t “calm down”.  We will continue to fight.  This election may be over, but there are more to come.  And we will not back down.  We’ll be the greatest.  I promise you.

Brought to you compliments of a proud Nasty Woman.

Government 101

When I started this blog I wanted to be as inclusive as possible.  I wanted everyone to see a part of themselves here.  For that reason I have intentionally stayed away from politics and religion.  However, we are in a unique situation right now.  One that I simply can't ignore.  As Americans we believe in democracy and the notion that all men are created equal.  But we've established a political system that runs contrary to these core beliefs.  We've ended up with a 2-party system where those shunning big politics and flying the banner of the Independent party have essentially given up their power and ability to participate in our government.  We also have an electoral college that unfairly assigns power to those states with the least citizens and, therefore, steals the voice from the majority.

So how did we get here?  I'm glad you asked.  Almost 250 years ago a bunch of white, land-owning men got together to try to come up with a system of government for our fledgling nation.  There was a great rift between those that believed in a strong centralized government and those that felt a centralized government sounded too much like a monarchy and we left England to get away from such a system.  So they compromised on a system where the majority of responsibilities of governing (policing, education, social services) would be maintained by the individual states, but that larger matters (printing money, organizing a military, regulating a free market) would be handled by a representative government (side note: My spell check has made me acutely aware that I apparently don't know how to spell the word 'government'.  That's probably why I became an accountant.)

So, the states got to maintain most of their independence while still having the support of a larger national government made up of their representatives.  But who are the representatives?  How are they chosen?  How many do we each get?  If we award representation based on population, then small states like Connecticut and Delaware will have very little say.  But if we give every state an equal number of representatives then large states like New York and Pennsylvania get very little say.  What to do?  What to do?  Welcome Congress.  Congress is composed of 2 separate houses, one built of representation based on population (the House) and one giving equal voice to each state (the Senate).  Every issue of national importance must be approved by each house so both the big states, the small states, and everyone in between goes home happy.

Not quite.  There was another issue driving this concept of representation other than population.  Slavery.  Citizens of the southern states felt that, when it comes to counting population, slaves should count.  Women and indentured white farm workers counted, so why not slaves?  Okay, I'm going to answer that question, but don't shoot the messenger.  These are the thoughts of our founding fathers, not me.  Here we go.  Slaves were not counted as part of the population because they weren't considered human.  They were chattel. They were bought and sold on the free market just like pigs and horses. A pig doesn't count so why should (once again, not my word) a negro?  By excluding slaves from the census we would almost guarantee that the southern states would bail on the whole Constitutional Convention and form their own sovereign entities.  People like James Madison knew this would be a deal breaker and end their foray into democracy before it even began so he proposed the Three Fifths compromise.  Each slave would be valued equal to 60% of a free man for census purposes.  So now all the states feel they're being heard and receiving fair representation.

This brings us to the Electoral College.  I hate to say it, but the founding fathers didn't exactly have implicit trust in you and I.  Actually they didn't have trust in me at all.  I'm a woman (a nasty woman, but we'll save that for Part II).  The only citizens who were permitted to vote were other white, land-owning men.  Being a land owner was essential, but the founding fathers basically thought farmers were too stupid to understand what they were voting for.  So they put in place the Electoral College, a group of white, land-owning men nominated by each state to cast the all important votes for the Presidency on behalf of the citizens of their respective states.

Now, everyone knows that it's possible to win the most individual votes but still lose the election, but most people don't quite understand how.  Let me try to break it down for you.  When it comes to passing laws, having 2 separate houses, one based on population and one on equal representation, makes sense because the 2 vote independently of each other.  A bill has to be approved by the House (yay large and slave states) then it has to pass the Senate (shout out to all you small states).  But when it comes to electing a President those 2 get lumped together. So if you have 53 members in the House and 2 in the Senate, you get 55 Electoral votes.  Conversely, if you have 1 member in the House and 2 in the Senate you get 3 votes.  I know this is getting weird but stay with me.

This SOUNDS okay, doesn't it?  Each state should have the same number of votes as they do Congressional representatives.  It SOUNDS good, but when you do the math, it just doesn't work out.  For example.  The state of Wyoming has the lowest population of the 50 states.  It's so low (less than 600,000) that it only has 1 member in the House.  So, Wyoming gets 1 vote for their congressperson and 2 votes for their Senators, 3 total.  That works out to 1 Presidential vote for every 200k citizens in Wyoming.  Not bad.  Now lets look at California.  California's population is nearly 39 million entitling it to 53 members of the House. So it has 53 votes for their congresspersons and 2 for their Senators, 55 total. That works out to 1 vote for every >700,000 citizens.  Seems kind of unbalanced now, doesn't it?  As if that weren't bad enough almost every state in the Union (excluding Maine and Nebraska) have a winner-take-all Electoral system.  So if 51% of voters in a state vote for a particular candidate, that candidate gets 100% of the state's Electoral votes.  Essentially, if you vote for a candidate that doesn't win the popular vote in your state, too bad.  Your vote doesn't count at all.  Oh yeah, and did I mention that there's no federal law saying the Elector MUST go along with the popular vote?  Historically they do, but there's nothing stopping them from going rogue and voting for their rich but simple-minded nephew.

If you stayed awake through that last paragraph, I want to sincerely thank you.  The informed voters of America thank you.

Bottom line here, America was founded as a democratic republic.  We are supposed to believe that all men are created equal.  It's right there in the Declaration of Independence.  2nd paragraph.  Look it up.  But the Electoral College is a very firm reminder that, even today, not all men are created equal.  It was formed out of fear on the part of the founding fathers that we aren't intelligent enough to elect a President on our own.  Maintaining the antiquated system of an Electoral College denigrates the intelligence of American citizens and negates the voice and the will of the people. This past Tuesday was the second time in my lifetime that I saw a person declared President-elect who did not have the support of the majority.  It's happened a total of 5 times in American history.  I can only hope and pray that it doesn't happen again.