There is a constant monologue running through my head, no matter what I'm wearing. I get dressed in the morning just like everyone else on the planet, but then I have to take an extra 20 minutes or so (some days more 'or so' than others) to examine myself in the mirror from every conceivable angle. Then I make a mental list of things like 'don't hunch or your back fat looks gross', 'turn a little to the right when facing people so they don't see as much cleavage', and/or 'make sure to pull the front of your tunic down regularly throughout the day or else the back will look way longer than the front and that's just weird'. Many of you might be starting to think I'm just little bit OCD off the deep end. For those of you that read the previous statements and said 'I know, right?!?!?! then congratulations. You're living life in the fat lane.
I really, really hope there are others out there that have the same pre-'leaving the house' ritual that I do. I'm typically a VERY punctual person. I'm punctual to the point of actually having been born on my exact due date. I hate to keep people waiting. So if you're expecting me at a certain time, and I message you that I'm running late, it's probably because I can't get my right calf to be as skinny in a certain pair of jeans as my left calf. Or maybe it's because I spent an hour doing my hair and it looks so shiny and bouncy, but for some reason it's enhancing my double chin so I have to figure out how to have bouncy hair AND a thinner neck both at the same time. The struggle is real, people.
NBC has a new show out this fall called This Is Us that's giving me hope that I'm not alone in all this. If you haven't seen the first 2 episodes, get your butt online or On Demand and catch up. It's freaking amazing. I won't go into all the characters; I just want to focus on two of them, Kate and Toby. Kate and Toby meet at a support group for what I've decided to call Fat Lane-ers (my words, not NBC's). Toby hits on Kate but she turns him down saying that she can't get involved with someone overweight. Toby says 'I guess I'll just have to lose the weight.' He wins her over and they start dating. In last week's episode Toby convinces Kate to go to a Hollywood party. There's a pivotal scene where Kate looks around and sees everyone around her laughing. To the rest of the world all those people are talking and laughing and enjoying a party. To Kate they're laughing at her and joking about how many tarps it must have taken to make a dress her size. I know this because it's exactly how I feel in any number of my very pretty dresses.
Chrissy Metz is the actress that plays Kate. She's just playing a part, but she's still a woman. And she's still a Fat Lane-er. I'm imagining her standing in front of a mirror in her dressing room turning herself left, right, over-the-shoulder, shoulders back but not too far back when she hears a knock at the door and the words, 'Five minutes, Ms. Metz.' And then she knows she has to go out there and be Kate. That's gotta be hard to do. I can't imagine being the fat chick on national television. Hell, I won't even take selfies with my dearest friends. I stand in awe of Chrissy's bravery and fortitude. She's playing a part, but that part represents the third of all American women who are considered obese, myself included. She gives us a name, a heart, a soul. She creates a space for all of us to exist.
So, in honor of Chrissy Metz, I will wear my pretty dress. And I will adore my pretty dress. I will not worry about my back fat, or my cleavage, or whether or not all of my fat has been properly lashed down under my Spanx. No. I will walk confidently. I will feel the lace swish across my legs. I will feel feminine. I will feel proud. And I will thank Chrissy Metz for having the courage to do the same.
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