Silent Scars

I have a handicapped placard in my car.  I get dirty looks every time I park in a handicapped spot.  Everyone assumes that a healthy 30-something woman is scamming a spot that belongs to people who are REALLY handicapped.  I've started carrying a copy of my most recent MRI on my phone so that the next time someone has the gall to call me out on it (and yes, it does happen) I can politely show them my MRI.  Then they can see for themselves the lack of cartilage separating my vertebrae and how it's causing my vertebrae to develop cracks.  Then they can SEE my disability.

I don't carry the scans showing the stress fractures in my lower legs.  I don't carry visual proof of the advanced arthritis in both my knees.  And that limp you see when I walk?  I'm not trying to be gangsta.  I broke my foot almost 6 years ago but didn't go to a doctor because I was busy caring for my mother and holding her hand while she died.  By the time she passed 3 months later the bones and tendons had already healed improperly making it permanently painful to put pressure on that foot.

These are invisible scars that I carry with me every day of my life, but they aren't the only ones.  I also suffer from a neurological disorder that causes chronic migraines.  If you've never had a real (and don't come to me with a headache and say it's a migraine. It only makes me want to punch you) migraine, you have no idea.  Here's how I KNOW that you don't have a migraine.

1. You've never thrown up on  yourself because you were unable to see and/or too dizzy to make it to the bathroom.
2. You've never had to walk out of a movie theater because, with the house lights blacked out, the screen feels like a flashlight burning your retinas.
3. You've never had to take unpaid leave from work because the micro-flashing of the computer screen that most people don't even notice is making you want to kill yourself.
4. You've never had anyone accuse you of being moody or bitchy because they can't see you're actually just fighting pain that they could never imagine.
5. You've never cancelled plans (repeatedly) with friends at the last minute.
6. You've never been denied a job or promotion because, no matter how talented or qualified you are, the hiring manager doesn't want an employee that calls in sick all the time.
7. You don't avoid certain women who decide to bathe in perfume each morning. Oh yeah, and you aren't able to smell EVERYTHING around you.
8.  You've never worn sunglasses INSIDE because the office lights are too much.
9. The sun is not your enemy.
10. You eat all you want at potlucks because you don't worry that someone might have brought something with an ingredient that could trigger a migraine and ruin your life for hours, days, or weeks.

I could go on, but I think I've made my point.  Migraine is yet another silent scar that I carry every day of my life.  Whenever you see a doctor they always ask how you feel on a scale of 1-10.  On my best, most excellent, most fabulous days I'm still at a 2.  Yes, I am in pain every minute of every day of my life and have been for the past 27 years.  I get told regularly that I should see a doctor.  Seriously.  People ACTUALLY say that to be helpful.  What they don't know is that I've seen 22 different doctors and tried 47 different medications and counting.  I could tell them, but pain is just exhausting and I've given up on trying to "fix" anyone.

So I've shown you two types of silent scars.  But there's another that is more destructive, more malicious, more ugly than those.  A pain born silently by millions.  It's called mental illness.   I've personally suffered from depression and anxiety most of my life but it didn't become truly serious until 2001.  That's when I started taking medication.  I didn't start seeing a therapist until after my mom died in 2011.  Best decision I ever made.  The problem with mental illness is that there are millions of Americans that don't believe it exists.  They believe eating healthy, drinking water, and exercising will cure mental illness.  Now, I'm not bashing a healthy lifestyle. I agree on the importance of trying to live a healthier life.  I've changed my diet, given up sugary drinks in favor of water, and work out with a trainer 2-3 times a week.  But guess what?  I still have anxiety and depression.

Society has placed such a stigma on mental illness that many of its victims are too afraid to seek help.  Some are too afraid to admit that there IS a problem.  Suicide is one of the leading killers in this country because we aren't doing enough to provide resources to combat it.  This is especially true for the homeless or low income individuals.  Thousands of individuals are languishing in the prison system because our "Tough on Crime" legislators don't grasp that these people need doctors and medication, not bars and cells.  They only thing confinement does for those battling mental illness is place more stigma on them and make them even more mentally unstable.

We've decided to place all disorders of the brain under this umbrella of mental illness.  Everything from depression to schizophrenia, to dementia. But they are all so very different and require completely different resources.  Especially dementia.  Dementia itself has dozens of different variations.  Most people are fairly aware of Alzheimer's disease.  And we are now becoming more aware of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE) as more and more professional athletes are being diagnosed with it.  One you may not have heard of, though, is Lewy Body Dementia.  This is the disorder that caused Robin Williams to end his life in 2014.  There are dozens more forms of dementia, but no one has heard of them because no one is discussing them.  No one wants to have that conversation.

Silent scars come in a million different ways from a million different illnesses/injuries.  Just because someone looks fine does not by any stretch mean that they aren't fighting a war inside their body.  Most of us have adapted to powering through.  We don't show our scars.  We certainly don't discuss them with strangers.  Actually we don't even discuss them with those closest to us until they present a limitation or otherwise become an issue.  I know I don't.  Until now.

I'm sharing this with all you strangers because I need you to stop looking at others and judging them without knowing what wars they are fighting inside.  Maybe they fell off a roof years ago creating a permanent disability.  Maybe they were sent to war only to return with PTSD.  Maybe they were raped and now feel terror when out in public.  The point is, you don't know.  So stop making judgements.  They make those of us trying to get by one day at a time feel lonely and isolated.  I'm going to leave you with a quote from Robin Williams.  He is as inspiring in death as he was in life.