Oh how I wish this weren't true, but it is. And the feeling runs deep. Years ago a friend of mine asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I was honored to be asked, but I initially said no. I told her I was too ugly and didn't want to ruin the aesthetic of her big day. Yup. I can be just that insecure.
Of course I eventually said yes. That's how I found myself wearing a four-layer, floor-length, taffeta gown outdoors during (what felt like) one of the hottest days ever experienced on planet Earth. And you know what? I'd do it again. For two reasons. 1. She was my friend and it gave me great joy to stand beside her on such a happy occasion. 2. In one of her wedding photos you can see me in the background laid out on a bench like a dead body. Serves her right for picking those awful dresses.
Growing up I was teased constantly to the point that I lost almost all sense of self-worth. I bought my friends presents, did their homework, did whatever they asked because I was afraid of no longer being useful. I figured I wasn't attractive, I didn't have money, I didn't even have a car till I was 17 1/2. I had to come up with other ways to avoid being unwanted. As long as I was doing something for them, then I would never be unwanted. I had a lot of unhealthy relationships back then.
You would think that type of insecurity would lessen as I became older and more mature. You would think that, but you would be wrong. In some ways it's worse now. Now that I'm older all my friends are married with kids. When we're together as a group everyone always ends up sharing stories about inept husbands, how to pick the right school, or (shudder) lactation advice. I have absolutely nothing to add to these conversations. I usually dig out my phone and try to make myself seem very busy.
Now that everyone in my sphere has paired off I feel like even more of a third wheel. My friends don't even go by their own names anymore. It's always, "Are John&Helen coming?' or "I ran into Dave&Lisa' the other day. Or worse, 'The White's called while you were at work' or 'Will you ask the Richardson's if we can borrow their ladder?' At that point you don't even get your own name. You become part of this amalgamation. It makes me wonder if there is some strange, spontaneous gene splicing that is occurring as part of marital coitus.
Even on those moments where I do manage to steal a friend away from her ampersand for a moment. she usually has a couple kids on her at all times. For some strange reason, a child can ignore their mother for days, but the second she picks up a phone it's "Mom! Mom! Look at me mom! Mommy! Hey, Mommy!" I'm hoping Stephen Hawking will explore this phenomenon in his next book. Either that or they start adding Valium to Flintstones' vitamins. One of those two things needs to happen. In the meantime, I remain the perpetual unmatched sock (another phenomenon that Hawking needs to look into, why do dryers eat socks?).
In all honesty, I can't hate on my friends for any of this. It's just the natural progression of things. Little girls grow up and get married. When you take a spouse, that person automatically becomes the most important relationship in your life. It has to. Just like after you have a child that child replaces all others including your spouse. I'm not sure our species would have lasted this long had it not been for this pattern. Still, it's lonely. I used to have a lot of girlfriends. They're still my friends, I think. They just haven't answered the phone in a few years. Busy moms don't have spare time. Unless you add up the microseconds accumulated while blinking. Am I right, ladies?
When you've spent your life feeling unwanted by society, it becomes hard to adapt to these new roles that you all take on during adulthood. I know my friends love me. I know they'd like to spend more time with me. But the part of my brain that stopped evolving at 16 years-old keeps insisting that these people, these so called 'friends' no longer want me. I was good for a while, but now that they have shiny new families my services are no longer required.
Which brings me to where I'm basically at right now. It's something I need to work on, but haven't quite figured out how. I'm learning to say no. I'm learning that friendships don't require services rendered. There is no quid pro quo. True friends don't know who owes whom because no one owes anyone else. And if you DO know which friends owe you favors, take a long look at those relationships. I'm learning that I'm not surplus and I'm definitely wanted. I'm learning that my friends love me, even if I haven't heard from them in some time. I'm learning that life often takes us in different, sometimes diverging, paths but that, where there is love, there is always a road back.
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