Atlas Groaned

We all have a very general knowledge of who Atlas is, but just in case you've forgotten, here's a refresher.  Or at least as much of a refresher as my brain remembers.

The story of Atlas comes from Greek mythology.  Atlas was a Greek dude who decided to join up with the Titans in a war against the Olympians, led by Zeus. (Side note: Do NOT bet against an alpha deity.  If you bet against God, Thor, or Zeus, you will lose.  Every time.)  Alas, Atlas bet on the wrong horse. The mighty Titans were defeated and, as punishment, Zeus imprisoned all of them.  All of them, that is, but Atlas.  For Atlas he had a special punishment.  Zeus condemned Atlas to spend eternity holding the sky on his shoulders, forever preventing the heavens and Earth from reuniting.  I know, all the pictures show Atlas holding the Earth, but that's probably because it's really hard to depict arduous physical strain if the guy is just holding sky.

I think we can all relate to Atlas' plight.  We all sometimes feel like we're carrying the weight of the world all by ourselves.  We have jobs, family responsibilities, bills to pay, errands to run, bake sale items to pretend to bake from scratch.  We have parents that call to remind us how we never call.  We have children to remind us constantly how dumb we are.  Our bosses are surprised that our findings haven't already been compiled, though he just assigned the case an hour ago.

It's safe to say we all fit in there somewhere.  It's the never-ending hamster wheel of "Now what do you want?!?!"  We spend the first couple decades of our lives wishing so hard that we could be older.  Then once we are, we spend the rest of our lives trying to role the odometer back.  Adulting sucks, but it's part of life.  I have a lot of experience with having a sucky life, so I'm going to attempt to impart some skills I've learned that might make that load of sky on your back a little more manageable.

Children often represent the greatest weight that we bear.  I'm not a parent in the traditional sense. My child happens to be 69 years old.  But I can totally relate to all you regular parents.  My dad loses his wallet pretty much every week.  Each time he does I ask him, "Did you check your pants pocket?"  And as all of you know he always says 'yes of course'.  Says it kinda snotty, too.  And rolls his eyes.  Then I pick up his pants off the floor (never in the hamper) and remove said wallet from his pants pocket.  He looks up at me in awe as if I were The Great Houdini because that wallet was NOT in those pants a moment ago.  Some days I'd love to smack him in the back of the head, but that would be elder abuse and I'm taking great efforts to prevent myself from committing a felony.  In these situations I recommend boarding school.  The further the better.  I hear Switzerland is nice.

Work isn't really any better.  No matter how good your job is, they still have to pay you to show up.  The modern American office is the ultimate hamster wheel.  The better you are at your job, the faster the wheel spins.  My mom used to say that there are two types of employees, Those that are willing to work, and Those that are willing to let them.  I'm still early enough in my career that my soul hasn't been completely crushed yet, so I'm here to work.  You can tell the who are ones who have given up.  They are the ones who can tell you, to the hour, exactly how much time they have left until retirement.  Beware these individuals.  They have become Ninja masters at the art of passing off work to others.  They start off by asking you to take a look at this or that because "you're so good at" whatever it is they're working on.  For a moment you feel honored that such an experienced team member has asked for your "opinion".  But before you can say thank you the file has been dropped on your desk and the Ninja has disappeared.

Work Ninjas are smart, slick, and sneaky.  But they aren't the only office obstacles.  You also have the office trolls to contend with.  Trolls are usually found in management where they can do the least harm.  These are the people who spend their days wandering around the office carrying a coffee mug and having important looking conversations.  Beware these people as well.  They are idiots.  Their main function is to prove that they are so hopeless that you WILLINGLY volunteer to take over their project so it won't get totally f''ed up.  Trolls are sly in their own way.  They spend months, sometimes years, building up their ineptitude.   They ask pointless, inconsequential questions so that when the time comes for input, no one goes to them.  Here are a few of the classic questions that  trolls have tried on me over the years (I am not making this up):

Example 1:
Troll: Did you know that that Matt Damon movie 'The Martian', was based on a true story?

Example 2:
Troll: Where is Arnold Schwarzenegger from?
Me: (working furiously despite the interruption)  Austria.
Troll: Is that in Germany?
Me: (pauses and looks up at troll)  No.  It's in Austria.  The country of Austria.
Troll: So it's like a suburb of Germany?
Me: (sighs heavily) Yes.  Exactly.  Austria is a suburb of Germany (returns to working furiously)

Example 3:
Troll: When was the war of 1812?

If you encounter any coworker who asks you these types of questions, walk away.  Do NOT engage them.  They are setting you up.  If you are unable to make an escape, your only hope is to give them an even dumber response.  Example: "The war of 1812 started in 1929 between Germany and America.  America wanted to prohibit alcohol, but Germany is where alcohol comes from, so they started a war.  It's called the War of 1812 because the 1,812th amendment to the constitution banned alcohol consumption in the USA."  The troll will either TOTALLY believe you or begin avoiding you for YOUR apparent ineptitude.  Pray for the latter.

Then there are your parents.  Sigh...parents.  The people who gave you life, then never let you forget about it.  I bet every person reading this that is in contact with their mother knows EXACTLY how many hours their mother spent in labor bringing them into the world.  But that's not all you have to answer for.  First it's harping to get good grades, then you need to get into the "right" school.  They start worrying about you dating the wrong boy, then suddenly turn their attention to you finding the right boy.  That's when you land in the  "When are you getting married?" pressure cooker.  Once upon a time you could get out of it by saying you were gay and it wasn't legal.  But now the Supreme Court has ruined that.  Damn you Ruth Bader Ginsberg!  Even if you do break down and get married it becomes all about procreation.  When are you gonna have kids, already?  My mother used to have a monopoly on guilt and would whine about wanting grandchildren.  Then one day I got to remind her I can't have kids because I had cancer instead.  That's right.  I played the cancer card.  Bam!  Mission accomplished.  In the end, I think your best bet, the near guarantee when it comes to getting rid of meddlesome parents, is to ask for large sums of money.  I'm not just talking large money.  I'm talking hostage recovery type money.  You will never hear from them again.  My grandpa taught me that one.

So that's it.  That's all I've got.  I still feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, but using these tricks I've managed to convince the people I love that it's all their fault.  And at the end of the day that's all that matters.