So, my dad is dying. I think we've covered that. What I'd instead like to focus on this time is the moments in between the doctor's visits and medication and blood tests.
In the Bible, Ecclesiastes Chapter 3 reminds us that our lives our cyclical; a time to be born a time to die; a time to reap and a time to sow, etc. For those unfamiliar with the scripture, listen to the Byrds 1965 hit 'Turn! Turn! Turn!' It's the same general idea and has a catchy tune.
The basic idea here is that we are unable to appreciate joy without suffering. We must endure suffering, but if we wallow we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to appreciate the the good times. That's why we need personal relationships. Shared moments build our reserves to be able to survive the tragedies.
I have several happy memories with my father. Like the time that my mom decided dad should take my sister and I fishing (why, mom? why?). She gave us marshmallows for bait. My mom SWORE that while living in Florida she once caught an alligator using marshmallows for bait. There are two problems with this scenario. First, alligators are carnivores. They don't have an affinity for processed sugar. Second, when's the last time you saw alligators stocking up on Peeps at Easter? But Heather and I were too stupid to know better and my dad didn't want to pick a fight with his darling bride, so off we went to a nearby lake with 2 Snoopy fishing rods and a bag of marshmallows in tow. Let's just say it was not the most productive excursion. We didn't catch a singe fish. We did, however, learn that ducks DO know how to laugh and that they can be cruel. You haven't lived until you've had a duck laugh at you in a malicious way. We might not have become successful anglers, but we came away with a story that keeps us warm on tenuous nights.
But sometimes you need to distance yourself from the patient. I can't stress the need to develop a life of your own outside the patient.
I remember a night back in 1997. My BFF and I had been invited to a party out on the sticks and figured 'Why not?' You can do those types of things when you're 17. Long story short, we got lost. I'm a terrible driver and my 'navigator' has dyslexia so our journey had about the same odds of success as the Titanic . Before I knew it we were driving on a desolate country road in the middle of farmland. A dense fog had blanketed the road and surrounding fields. All I could think at that moment was that this is the road where people die on in horror movies.
Suddenly we hit a bump. Then another. It might have been a body. Then again it might have been a charming woodland creature the Disney had released to Nowheresville Ohio. Now, I'm typically a very responsible person, but I was NOT about to get out of my car to see what we hit on the Murder Interstate. That's how the monster's get you. So we drove on. We ended up in Lithopolis, Ohio. Do you know where Lithoplis is? It's okay if I you don't. I don't and I'VE BEEN THERE. There's only one place open in Lithopolis after 9 pm. It's a pizza and beer joint appropriately named "Pizza & Beer". The story DOES have a happy ending, though. We somehow made it home safely and now, whenever one of us finds ourselves scared and lost in the middle of nowhere, we refer to it as 'Bump'. We made it though the first Bump so I know we'll make it though the next,
You millennials have an extraordinary gift that past generations didn't have. You have social media. You get to reconnect with the people you knew years ago and realize they aren't the assholes that you once believed. You have online dating to expose you to people you'd never meet otherwise. You have sites like Meet Up to connect with like-minded grownups that can become your new best friends. So...No more excuses not to leave the house. Firefly might be having a marathon that night, but lets honest, you've already memorized all the episodes anyway. And if you leave your house there will be nice people and alcohol to sweeten the deal.
I'm getting up there in years, but I'm not too decrepit to make use of social media. I've reconnected with a ton of people who I thought (hoped) I would never encounter again after graduation. Much to my delight, it's been fantastic. These people support me when the reality of my dad's health is too much for me to accept. They've also been there when I needed alcohol and karaoke.
After my last post I was overwhelmed (and eternally grateful) with condolences, prayers, support, love and compassion. Caring for a sick loved one is very isolating, As much as we want to hide in our homes and lie in a rut of 'what if's' we can't survive that way.
After mom mom's funeral I confessed to our pastor that, while I appreciated those that had come to say goodbye, tomorrow all those people will take their kids to school and go to work and go on with their lives. She agreed, but she gave me the best advice I could have received. That's what they're supposed to do. They are supposed to go back to their lives just like I was supposed to go back to my life. I could mourn my mother, but I could also cerebrate the life that she gave me. It took time, but I have chosen the latter.
Now I face a similar battle. I can mourn my father. But I can also chose to meet with friends. I can go out go out drinking and dancing. I can celebrate birthdays and new jobs. I can buy pretty clothes just because they bring me joy. I just know that I can't do it without my friends.
So, my final advice, reach out to your friends. Talk to them about how you're feeling. Don't hide it. It's a part of you. Let them be there for support but, when they insist on taking you out, GO. Have fun. Flirt. Make new memories. But,whatever you do, avoid Bump. That's where the monsters live.
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