This is me and a guy I dated back in college. We look pretty happy. Actually, we were pretty happy most of the time. There were even moments when I thought I might marry him someday. Things didn't work out, though. To be honest, I'm happy they didn't. Don't get me wrong, I loved him. I was 100% all-in, head-over-heels in love with him, but we weren't meant to be together.
He wasn't a bad guy. He treated me all right. He was, for the most part, respectful, and never ever thought about raising a hand to me. But we weren't meant to be a couple. For over a year I put up with his drinking and recreational drug use. I tolerated coming in second to World of Warcraft. I defended him over and over again to my friends and family. We had very different values and aspirations, but I convinced myself that my love was greater than all our differences and that, eventually, he'd change. Those are the types of things you convince yourself of when you're as young as I was.
Looking back, I think there was a part of me that just didn't want to be alone. I didn't think very highly of myself which led me to assume that the rest of the world didn't think highly of me either. There I was with a cute guy already committed and willing to attach himself to me and I was too scared to go off in search of something better. I think a lot of fat girls know what I'm talking about. We're so desperate for affection that we say yes to the first person that asks. I've been doing it most of my life. I've dated drunks. I've dated guys that belittled and humiliated me. I've even dated guys that beat me senseless. All in the name of not being branded "single".
Here's what I've learned from all that: You will not find a real, worthwhile relationship until you value yourself. I say 'value' not love because I don't think any woman ever truly loves herself all of the time. It's important to remember that even when you are unhappy with certain physical or emotional characteristics, you can still value yourself. Until you recognize your true inner value, you will stay in adequate relationships. Nothing great ever comes out of deciding "he'll do." Go watch The Notebook. Do you think that story would have been as powerful if Noah and Allie had each thought the other was just swell? Consider Romeo & Juliet or Pyramus & Thisbe. Both couples would rather die than live in a world without their other half. Even in the real world, King Edward VIII of England abdicated his throne, a first for the monarchy, in order to wed an American divorcee. His love for her was greater and more valuable to him than the crown.
Bottom line, don't sell yourself short. You have so many amazing gifts and talents. You deserve better than someone who is no more than a place filler. You deserve better than just to be someone else's place filler. You deserve the longing glances, the butterflies in your stomach, the passion and desire. You deserve doing stupid things out of love.
I'll be the first to admit that it takes a lot longer waiting for someone special when there are so many possibilities for 'ordinary' out there. But I've gone down the road more traveled and just gotten worn out. Even the break-ups end up being ordinary. This time I'm waiting for extraordinary.
I'm not saying don't take chances. When I met the boy in the picture above, romance was the last thing on my mind. But I took a chance and ended up falling in love. I remember coming home one day and finding a notebook on his desk with the words "This won't work" scribbled over and over again covering the page. It broke my heart. So I put a post-it note on top that said "Yes it will. I believe in you." In that moment I wanted him to know I believed in him no matter what. He wasn't just a place filler. Turns out he was just testing out all his pens to see which ones still worked. In the end I was just a place filler for him. That's why things didn't work out. We definitely weren't right for each other, but I got to be in love, if only for a little while, and I walked away knowing a heck of a lot more about who I am and what I need out of a partner.
What I hope you'll take away from all of this is that you are worth the wait. You are worth flowers and love notes and missing each other when you're apart. You are worth 'till death do us part'. It sounds a lot better than 'till something better comes along' and it feels a lot better than 'I guess you'll do'. So take a deep breath and prepare for the journey. In the end, it's well worth the wait.
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